On the day wide receiver Terrell Owens made his debut with the Buffalo Bills at a voluntary minicamp, Buffalo mayor Bryon Brown handed T.O. the key to the city. This key will specifically enable Owens to be a cancer to the Bills team and effectively ruin their season. In addition, all satisfaction that Bills fans once got from their team will be erased for eternity and replaced with visions of T.O. screaming at quarterbacks, being insubordinate to coaches, and blaming all of upstate New York for his team’s shortfalls.

Quarterback Trent Edwards commented, “I am pleased to have Terrell in town finally. I can’t wait until he totally destroys my already sub par career. I had very little confidence already and really can’t wait until he shatters what remains of it.”

“We really weren’t good at all last year and I should have been fired. His arrival has essentially sealed my miserable fate. We’re all very excited,” remarked head coach Dick Jauron.

When asked how he could best help the team, Owens said, “Help the team? I’m just here to f*@# s&%# up! Did ya’ll see what I did in Dallas? How about San Fran? S&*#, I called Jeff Garcia a f@g. Trent Edwards is a dead man if he doesn’t get me the ball. Ha! Dollar bills!”

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