JockJoose uncovers hidden Tiger crash story
November 30th, 2009 by why be athletic | Posted in Gen. Discussion, Self defense, golf | 180 viewsUsing an advanced version of the mosaic theory combined with our patented athlete logic engines, JockJoose analysts have pieced together the Tiger Woods auto crash story that happened on Thanksgiving morning.
Midnight Thanksgiving day – Tiger arrives home after a light training session in which he benched 600 pounds and hit 54,000 golf balls on the range. Wife Elin is in bed.
12:15 am – Tiger hits the fridge and consumes fourteen pounds of protein and guzzles 23 Gatorades.
12:50 am – After the feeding frenzy, Tiger sits on his Italian leather couch and flips on his 430 inch plasma TV, built by NASA specifically to meet his entertainment needs. Turns on ESPN.
12:56 am – After a few minutes of Sportscenter, Tiger turns on his XBox and proceeds to murder online players at Tiger Woods 2009.
2:35 am – Tiger notices ring stain on his coffee table. Anger ensues.
2:38 am – Wakes up wife Elin and asks if she caused coffee stain. She denies doing so and he stares intensely at her, noting that Scandinavians are known liars. Elin then attempts to go back to sleep. Tiger responds by saying, “You’ll be back caddying for Jesper Parnevik if you don’t own up to this.”
2:40 am – Elin leaps out of bed and attacks woods with a putter. Putter hits Tiger in face and shatters into a million pieces. Elin proceeds to use all other clubs in the bag.
2:53 am – Tiger jumps in Escalade and attempts to drive away. Elin jumps on hood, punches through windshield and grabs wheel.
2:54 am – Elin pulls lucky seven iron out and bashes car and husband. Unable to remove her from the car, Tiger speeds up into a fire hydrant to dislodge her. She doesn’t budge.
2:55 am – Tiger spots tree in neighbors yard and proceeds to run into it as Elin delivers knockout blow to temple. Sensing a potential media issue, Elin stages scene and acts as if she is helping her husband. 911 is called. Just before emergency services arrive, Tiger awakes. Elin knocks him out again.
There you have it folks. Both kissed and made up and all is well in Tigerland again.
November 30th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Can you confirm all of this? Out of all the rumors surrounding this incident… this has got to be the most accurate
December 1st, 2009 at 11:50 am
I heard his wife went after him since he has been cheating all along. My questions is: Why would she break the windows of a his Cadillac?